To begin this story from birth until present may be interesting but I certainly can sum it up without a blow by blow script. Considering the intensive therapy sessions were able to sum it all up in just a few months.
My issues began at such an early age with never feeling safe. My mother was a loving and caring person but our life was unstable at best. I was abused at a young age but I choose not to identify or discuss this because it seems to be the norm in todays society. I have discussed this in counseling and learned how to move forward. But as anyone with codependency issues knows, not feeling safe is the beginning of life as we know it.
I went through the motions for years and years thinking that I was together, hip and happy. Not realizing that everything I did was over done, everyone I tried to love, I sabotaged. Basically it was a vicious circle. Although I am not bipolar, my life was....way up or way down...I never shut down but I kept pushing through these ups and downs with such fervor that I didn't realize I was chipping away the shell that would eventually reveal how unsafe I really felt. I am the staunch defender and protector of all I love, yet I was dying inside by not allowing anything in my life to be less than perfect.
By the time I reunited with my high school sweetheart I was ready to be back in my hometown, close to my family and ready to start a family. We were already half way there since he had 3 kids that were young and now that they are grown I don't believe they remember their life without me. That's another story that I shall save for a later date! When Eric and got married I had carried the need for perfection into his life and didn't allow anyone to do anything which was not a wise decision when deciding to have another child and eventually a second child. I cannot and do not have any idea how I did it. I was a full time mother, full time employee, housekeeper and anything anyone needed me to be.
I stopped communicating with my husband and my marriage was all but severed for 6 years. We lived in quiet disdain and only talked when we had a couple of cocktails together.To me this was normal and how my life was going to be. From the outside looking in our life was perfect. My husband did not participate with anything involving the kids unless it was sports oriented and did not even know where the kids clothes were kept. The kids and I would pack up on Saturday morning and go, go, go until the evening, not stopping until bedtime. My husband and I eventually hit rock bottom due to many horrible circumstances but chose to work it out and things are pretty good now.
There are so many other things that happened, my job became more demanding due to the economic crisis, my boss was expecting more than I could give. There were financial issues that had brought us to the brink of ruin and an onslaught of drama from outsiders and do gooders. Those that try to help too much are usually the ones that cause the most pain! When things happened at work and I was basically "voluntold" to do something that was completely unethical that was it...the perpetual straw that broke the camels back.
Pushing too hard, falling much harder
On August 6, 2009 I broke. I had gotten up with a sick child, called work to say I was going to be late so I could take him to the doctor. I came home after his appointment and started vomiting. I assumed I had the same virus as my son and went to bed not going to work at all. My husband came home and tended to me and my sick son. He took care of my other son and we all agreed that I just had a bug. This was a Thursday and I slept most of the day. On Friday at 2:00 a.m. I was awake, not vomiting but feeling extremely anxious. It was at this point that I knew something was wrong but wasn't sure what it was. I tried to sleep but just found myself roaming the halls of my house unable to focus with a strong urge to scream. You would have to know me well to understand that I was never one to lose control or have an unexplained anxiety attack.
I finally went back to bed and dozed here and there becoming absolutely paralyzed at the thought of going to work. Another thing that never happened to me. I called out from work again and never moved from my bed unless my children needed something. At this point they were probably the only things that could get me to function. I convinced them to watch movies in my room so that I could have them close and be able to sleep.
I woke up again on Saturday in the middle of the night, roaming the halls trying to understand what the heck was going on. I finally called my mother, who also has dealt with similar issues. She was extremely empathetic yet leery to give an uneducated diagnosis. My mother was my confidante and lifeline for the many months of healing along with my doctor and therapist. I was not able to leave my house during the first couple of weeks and slowly went into a maddening depression. I could not eat, sleep, concentrate or anything else that I had done before. The sleep deprivation was causing some form of psychosis and of course there was the uncontrollable shaking.
I was forced to go to the doctor because my job requires a note after 5 days. I am very close to my primary physician but when I called his office the woman was so rude it put me over the edge (further over!). I hadn't cried or screamed at this point but her behavior over getting me this appointment was enough to cause me to get hysterical. I spoke to my mother who reminded me that my doctor and I were also friends. She convinced me to call back and get him on the phone. Fortunately when I called back another person answered and got me in within 20 minutes!
Obviously my doctor was shocked to see the state I was in and he started the process to admit me because I had suicidal thoughts. I can remember for years not understanding how someone could kill themselves, especially by using a gun or hanging. I just thought it was impossible for someone to do that. Well every time I closed my eyes I envisioned blowing my brains out with a shot gun in the garage. I'm pretty convinced that if my children had not been home I would have at least tried. Again, you would have to know me personally to know that this would never have been an option before the breakdown.
My doctor was kind enough to send me home without a trip to the psych ward. He loaded me up with some prescriptions with a scheduled follow up in 2 weeks. For whatever reason, I think it was something to do with what was covered under my insurance,I didn't get those prescriptions filled right away and continued to spiral down for another couple of days. My thinking was completely irrational and I refused to ask anyone to fill them for me. You see I never asked for help, even under desperate times. I finally went into hysterics again when my house filled up with my step kids and grandson. This triggered some sort of reaction in me and I guess it was somehow associated with the expectation that was always put upon me when they were around. It could have been something as simple as cooking for them or just the idea that I needed to "entertain".
This episode almost got me admitted to the psych ward yet again. I finally fessed up that I had no meds and my mother and husband took care of it. I stayed in bed for about two weeks only rising for the essentials. I still had the uncontrollable shakes and would not ask for help which leads to my next meltdown. My older son was playing football and needed a "do - rag" to keep his hair under his helmet. the kids were back in school and I decided to venture to the Mall and get one, in retrospect this was a bad idea! I went to the sporting goods store in the Mall with no success. I decided to keep looking, somehow I got disoriented and could not figure out where I was. I finally found my way to the exit. When I went to find my keys they were not in my purse. I walked to my truck and it was locked but no keys were in it. I returned to the Mall and kept walking until I found a department store where an old family friend worked. Thank God he was there and was able to help. Apparently I had left my keys somewhere and they were turned into the lost and found.
My trip to the Mall was horrifying but I was still determined to get what my son needed and headed to WalMart. I didn't get lost but I couldn't find the rags. I sat down on a display in a fairly quiet aisle, cried and prayed for help. I looked up and apparently I had broken down directly in front of the "do - rags". Mission accomplished but the realization that my life as I knew it was over.
Since August 2009 I have had to quit my job because I cannot function in that capacity. I cannot just assume that things are where I thought I left them. I have to inventory every second of every day just to not lose anything. I continue to get in the check out line and realize I have no wallet to pay. I have to make lists to accomplish anything and even then it doesn't always work. I suffer with a mental paralysis from the breakdown and codependency issues. I have come a very long way regarding being the hero for everyone and I try to avoid confrontation and drama.
I live each day to the fullest as best I can and for everything I have lost due to this illness there is more that I have gained. I am able to stop and hear what my children are saying and enjoy their chatter instead of trying to hush them up so I can get my chores done. If I don't get all that I need done, my husband is patient with me and has become my rock and most avid supporter. My mother and I talk everyday and there is no rush to hurry the conversation before my boss comes in. I was able to care for my dying aunt in her last days because I didn't have to go to the office. And most of all I'm able to share this with others so my experience can give others hope.
I still struggle with the memory loss and capacity issues and its hard. I still go into shut down and have depression to some degree but there is a sense of peace. Financially things are looking up and that is a huge burden lifted which can trigger a shut down.
I'm not a doctor or a therapist but I suggest that if life is complicated and you are frazzled feeling helpless, don't ignore it, get help before you crash and burn. All endings aren't happy and I am thankful that with the support of my doctor, therapist, friends and family my story has a very happy ending as unconventional as a normal day may be for me!!
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